A Slippery Slope

When I embarked on this crazy idea, it worked well to have people choosing the guys for me on Match. It allowed me to "wink" at people I wouldn't necessarily have been interested in before. It meant that the perceived rejection when the winks weren't returned was diminshed. I didn't feel the sting that I might have otherwise, because "this wasn't my choice anyway."

It became a bit addictive, how many people could I find that might catch my attention. But after reading enough profiles I realized that winking wasn't good enough. I took another step... emailing. I started small, sending a few emails to the ones that really stood out and just winking at others. I would occasionally get a wink back or an email here and there, but it wasn't turning into much. I changed gears again... more emails. Next thing I knew I was one of those serial emailers! Where did I lose control of this situation?

On the other hand, what's interesting is that the site seems to pay attention to my activity level because when I am sending more emails, I seem to be getting more winks and emails from others too. Maybe serial emailing isn't so bad after all.

But, why?

When it's time for a rejection, what's the best way to go about it? Personally, I understand that life or interests or attraction all play a part in whether a match is going to work, so I prefer to hear a nice dismissal. At least then I know it's time to move on and I have my own closure on the matter. But what happens when even a polite "no" doesn't get the message through.

Case #1: The Socially Challenged
After I sent a "thanks, but no thanks" email to someone who emailed me on Match (for many reasons I was not interested in this person but wanted to be polite), I immediately received another email that simply stated: "But why?" I wasn't sure if I should feel sorry for this clearly confused individual or if I should be so aggravated with the complete disregard for my attempt at a polite let down.

Did he really think that sending the last question was a good idea or was it just an uncontrolled impulse? Was he really thinking he might change my mind? In what possible scenario would this tact ever actually work? I chose not to respond and get goaded into a ridiculous argument. But in my head I was definitely listing the many reasons that it would never work.
Case #2: The Text Messager
I realize I'm a bit old school, I prefer not to have an entire relationship through text messages. I think it's a great way to get in touch with someone when there isn't a better option (loud bar, out with friends, etc) but it's only going to get so far.

Another recent email exchange led to someone getting my phone number. Shortly afterwards, the text messaging began. At first I went along with it. Then I politely encouraged him to call me because I'm not into texting. The texting went on. Finally I sent a nice message that said he should call and if he didn't want to call, I wished him luck with his search. I didn't really mince my words on that one. He called that night at 11:30p. I was asleep. He said he would call back the next day. He never did. (I wasn't extremely devastated.)

Two weeks later, I got another text message ("Hi"). I ignored it (call or don't, that's it). Four days later I got another text message ("Hey there...how are you?"). I ignored this one too. The funny thing is, if he had called, I probably would have answered and been more than happy to have a conversation. Last night at midnight, one month after the last message I ignored, I got another text ("Want to meet for a drink?"). I had deleted his number but fortunately for me, my phone organizes conversations so I still knew who it was. Wow, now I'm slightly curious to see how long these unanswered text messages continue. I think I dodged a bullet with this one.

If a simple "Thanks, but no thanks" doesn't work and it is followed by blatantly ignoring you, am I entitled to call it like I see it?

Seriously?

Today, I get to take advantage of my cathartic blog in order to share my shock at the latest ridiculousness. My excitement over online dating is slowly starting to fade. 

One of the people that I had been emailing asked for my number, I wasn't super excited about him.  But with my rules of saying "yes" unless a real reason to say "no" presents itself, I sent my number.  Today he called, which is a bonus since I'd rather receive a quick call then be tied to my phone texting a conversation with someone.  Now, to be perfectly honest I had already given him a reason not to call, he lives in the suburbs.  For someone that doesn't live in the city, it doesn't make sense.  But for those of us in the city, it's a bit of a deal breaker in online dating. If I were to meet someone in person, make a connection and then find out they are in the 'burbs, no big deal.  As it is, I figure there are a lot of people in the city to choose from so I'd rather not commute for my date.

But, in this case, he called. We talked about the weather, the autumn, and a bit of other small talk.  I found out his family lives in the city so he does come in occasionally. The conversation was going well enough and then I asked if he wanted to go out the next time he came into the city. He agreed but only if he could stay at my place that night. I'm sorry, what?!

I don't even know this guy and he is already looking for a bit of action on the first date.  Not. A. Chance. Dude.  Which I expressed to him in as kind of a manner as possible (really, I was nice in my response).  And he argued that this is "a natural thing between a man and a woman."  Umm, yeah, and it can wait, apparently I'm old school.  [End of this conversation]

Is it wrong to expect a little bit of traditional values in this new age of dating?

Please note: Adrian Grenier, Daniel Carter, or any other potential 'People' Sexiest Man, you would be the exception to this rule... feel free to call, we can skip the drinks. 

Recently Heard on Match

Sometimes I think maybe it's not so bad to be single. Below is a recent conversation with a guy via dating site IM, my comments are in brackets (Background info: he contacted me first after looking at my profile, where I should state I have plenty of pictures in addition to a description of myself)
Him: hi
Him: we were both online
Me: Works for me.
Me: [long pause...ok, I'll try to start the conversation] So when is your triathlon?
Him: on september if I am ready
Me: Nice. What distance are you doing?
Him: for now I run 8 miles and bike 30
Me: That's great.  I'm sure you'll be ready by Sept.
Him: you look very hot btw
Me: [ok, non-sequitur, but whatever] Thanks, but flattery will only get you so far. ;)
Him: what you mean?
Me: I enjoy a good conversation.  :)  [I'll try to ignore the fact that your IMing skills would imply that this is a stretch for you.]
Me: [Another long pause, time to make an exit and be polite] Oh, I just realized the time.  I should probably go.  But let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime....
Him: do you have big boobs? [Ummm, seriously!?? Did he really just type that?]
Me: Wow. You'll never know...

[Close window. Pour wine. Appreciate my solitude.]

To Email or Not to Email...

That is the question.  When someone writes to me and I am definitely not interested in the person (too old, different interests, not someone I'm attracted to, etc.) what do I do?  I understand it's hard to send an email to someone (I've had the twisted stomach anxious feeling myself when I press send) but is it better to be rejected kindly, too the point, or is it best to just ignore it completely? I guess I would prefer a nice email if it were me (even a lie about currently dating someone would be appreciated).  But in my head I'd like to say: 

Dear toosexy69,
Thanks, but no thanks. I'm just not sure we have anything to TALK about.

Dear Calling1973,
Although I really appreciate the courage it must have taken to send this email (assuming you didn't just send it to everyone that you found attractive, because really you said absolutely nothing that pertained to me in particular in the five lines you did send).  I'm just not sure that we would be a good match.  Good luck with your serial emailing, errr, I mean dating.

Dear joesmith2011,
Seriously you put amicable in your headline? Since you really don't say anything at all about yourself in your profile and you don't really include a very good picture, I think I will stay equally as bland with my response. Stay amicable.

Dear pappa65,
I think you should be ruled out specifically because you are the same age as my father. I realize you didn't actually send me an email but I noticed you checked out my profile - even though my age is listed quite clearly (Yes, I know you looked. Technology is amazing isn't it?).  I think I need to logout now. And just to make sure I'm clear this is not an email that suggests I'm interested, I'm not into the Hugh Hefner thing...  good luck with your search though.

My Top 10 List

As I've said before, I don't have a list of what the perfect man will be (or not be) but there are a few things that I would expect:

1. Attractive. This is my biggest issue with online dating. A picture just doesn't give me enough information for me to decide if this is someone I am attracted too, there's definitely more that goes into it than looks. However, it's a start.
2. No smoking. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.  Non-smokers, you understand.
3. Responsible.  I'm in my 30s now. I'm not looking for someone who is still living at home, not capable of holding a long term job, or who lives beyond their means. Even with my chaotic life I still have those things going for me.
4. Single. I am not looking for drama.  If he's not single, I'm not interested.
5. Honest and Trustworthy. I think this is reasonable to expect from anyone and should go without saying.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it always does.
6. Fun (and funny). I love to laugh. If he isn't going to join me in this, I might have to grow up too fast and that just doesn't sound like fun.
7. Active. I don't need him to have a soccer player physique (although, that wouldn't hurt) but I do want someone that is going to be able to keep up.
8. Versatile. I enjoy playing in the mud and rain as much as going to a museum or wine tasting. I need him to be comfortable with it all.  Even if not at first, he should at least be willing to try.
9. Easy-going. My family is intense to say the least and I can be too. I want someone that won't be perturbed by it all.
10. Intelligent and Interesting. This goes to the whole conversation thing.  As in, I want one.  A good one that is more than just you listening to me prattle on or vice versa.  I love learning, even now years past school. I may not remember everything I learn, but it doesn't diminish my desire to learn more.

Ok, one more:  11. I want to have a spark.  I don't expect fireworks but I want to connect to the person. It's a lot to ask and it sets the bar pretty high with that requirement alone, but I've found it before and I hope to find it again.

A Picture (or a Profile) is Worth 1000 Words

In the beginning I love looking at profiles trying to decide if I could picture myself with this profile and image.  But then I find myself starting to get more and more critical to find the differences:

Did he just write "lol" in his profile? Moving on.
Urgh, if I sent him a message with a red-lined version of his own profile do you think he would be offended or appreciative? Moving on.
No political conversations? Well that rules out nearly every family gathering. Moving on.
Repeated the word "lady" too many times. No.
Wearing sunglasses. No.
Includes a picture of himself in front of a mirror (possibly even without a shirt). No.
Is that your sister or an ex in the photo with you? No. No. No.

Urgh! Stop the madness!! How does one make a choice? I'm not this critical when I meet someone in person.  Good thing I have a lot of faith in my friends.